July’s scorching weather truly tests Florida’s mettle


If you can’t stand the heat, get out of July.

You thought I was going to say the kitchen, didn’t you? Yes, welcome to the hottest and probably the funniest month of the year.

It’s the only time of year wind chills are in the triple digits. If the snowbirds really wanted to escape the Florida heat, they should go south.

Yes, I said south.

They all ran north to escape the heat, but the fact is, in July, it’s hotter in Cleveland than on the Equator. Not joking.

The average temperature in Quito, Ecuador on the equator is 67 degrees in July. It’s 81 in Cleveland, Ohio.

Looks like they went the wrong way!

In July, there’s more hot air in upper Michigan than the House of Representatives. It’s so hot Lucifer was even in Lowe’s buying an air conditioner.

If you want to know how hot it is in July, just head to any farm in the Upper Plains. You don’t need to go to KFC to get fried chicken. They’re right there in the hen house and they’re laying fried eggs.

It’s so hot in July the cows are giving evaporated milk. Last July, the cornfields of Iowa were harvesting popcorn. Am I sounding a little like Rodney Dangerfield with all the one liners?

Personally, I love the heat. Yeah, my family thinks there’s something wrong with me because I love the summer.

Well, think about it. In the summer, children are happy because they’re out of school. Families are happy because they can escape the boredom of daily life by going on vacation.

Theme parks are happy because they have so many people, some days they have to close the doors.

You say it’s too hot for you? Hello. You live in Florida. Try the beach. The best way to survive a heat wave is in a beach wave.

Funny thing happened last summer when I was at the beach and I overheard one pig saying to another “I’m really bacon.” Sorry, I can’t resist slapstick.

Did you know last July it was so hot my car overheated before I turned it on?

Hey, it’s only 31 days out of 365. So, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of July.