Hundreds of thousands of people gather every weekend to attend football games, but I think I’ll take a pass on attending any games myself.

Why? Let’s start with the tailgate parties.

Here, fans gather in the parking lots hours before the game starts and begin drinking heavily while grilling and munching on their favorite snacks. They do this with hundreds to thousands of other people while chanting and screaming out praise to their favorite teams.

It looks like fun, but what I don’t understand is that by game time (that is why they came, isn’t it?) their voices are gone, they’re so full they can’t move, and most are so hammered they can’t find their way into the stadium. And even if they do, it’s like a treasure hunt to find their seats.

Even if they make it that far, many can’t see what’s going on down on the field because they’re either so high in the stands or far away from the play on the field.

I do believe in team pride, especially when you’re essentially paying the equivalent of a car payment to attend this event, but shouldn’t you be conscious for the actual event?

Something else I don’t understand: while attending the game with about 100,000 other people, why does everyone wait until halftime to head for the restrooms? Not to be too descriptive here, but when you gotta go, don’t you wanna be able to go like right now?

Anyone who says women are the weaker sex has never seen childbirth or the lines for the ladies room at football games.

And some fans do all this for teams that never win the big one.

Hey, maybe that’s why they’re drinking before the game.

Do you know when was the last time the Detroit Lions played in the Super Bowl? NEVER!

Do you know what you call 53 millionaires watching the Super Bowl? The Houston Texans.

One more. Why don’t the Jacksonville Jaguars have a website? Because they can’t string three W’s together. Ouch.

No, as exciting as it is to attend the actual event, I think I’ll watch from a place where the beers are free, there’s more bathrooms than people, and I don’t need binoculars to see closeups of the cheerleaders, which also reminds me I have zoom, freeze frame and 30-second rewind at my disposal.

Yes, I’ll take a pass on attending football games in favor of making my next car payment. Go Browns!